For everyone who knows me pretty well, I've always been someone whose been ridiculously impatient when it comes to getting married and starting a family. I recently overheard a conversation about females who go to "single's" bible studies in hopes of finding "the one," so they dress up, and plan their whole week around that one night so that they can find the love of their lives.... I heard this and thought... "Yea... that was me." Growing up, I was one of those girls who was always on the lookout for Mr. Right. I would make sure there was not one hair out of place, my makeup was done, every blemish covered and my outfit shouted " come and get me Mr. Right!" Pathetic really, but very true. Even after working with a missions organization for two years, traveling around the world and seeing so many other things I am passionate about... this one thing seemed to remain. I wanted to get married more than anything else.
It hasn't been until recently that my desire for marriage has changed quite drastically. I no longer have this aching desire in me to be married.... And it hasn't been a relationship that's ended badly which has left me hating every male on the planet, therefore left me not wanting to get married. Nor has it been the divorce of my parents (if anything, I think that's what caused all of this in the first place) that has changed my desire. But rather, it's been seeing what marriage and family should look like which has caused me to see marriage in a whole new light.
My perspective of marriage and family had become quite skewed as I lived life without God. I thought of marriage as the place where I'd have someone who can fufill all of my needs and wants. Someone who is required to tell me everyday that I am beautiful and expected to give me a sense of value. In having children, my goal was only to outdo what my parents had done for me, because that meant I was "fufilling my requirements" as a parent (which also gives me a sense of value) and it was another opportunity where I could find self worth . Therefore I COULDN'T WAIT to be married because it would fufill me. But as I've been walking with God and learning what it means to be a Daughter, I find that marriage and family is not the place for any of that. But rather... it is an opportunity to love.
In a place where I thought would be the last place on earth I would ever go, I have learned more about marriage, children and love than I have in my whole lifetime. Here I am, in small town Alliston, Ontario, Canada working with a little church of about 50 people whom all make up families. Now, I'm not talking about the picture perfect white picket fenced families with the perfect jobs and perfect lives, although, I do think there is something in the water here which makes these moms look like vogue models even after having three babies! These families I'm talking about are young parents, (mid twenties to early thirties) with young children who are living life just like any one else. None of them are excessively rich, or extremely impoverished. They don't have time machines to give them more time, or take them back in time to fix mistakes they might've made with their children or their marriages. They're just ordinary people living life with God and family. It's an incredible thing. Just being in their presence alone, you can tangibly feel the love that pertrudes from their very souls. (It sounds a bit cheesey, but it's true).
It never ceases to amaze me when I watch a particular father take time out of his busy day to walk straight up to his little wide eyed daughter and give her a kiss and tell her that he loves her for no appearant reason, other than she is his own. Or to watch his reaction each and every time she calls out for him to watch her spin (it is usually the same spin, just carrying a different title). Yet his response is still just as enthusiastic as hers. Just anticipating his baby girl's next move. Or watching a mother intentionally pick up and hold her son with such tender care and love, even after a long day of housework, homeschooling, husband-loving, and two other children with very different needs all in the same household. I continue to be blown away each and every day.
I've witnessed such beautiful marriages. Not perfect, but truly loving, deep, intimate marriages. I was watching two people, very different in nature... A man who is quiet and reserved, a woman who is outgoing and talkative, coming together on his lunchbreak, just spending time being in one another's presence. In a room filled with people and many conversations to be had, I watch them stand alone together laughing with each other. One complimenting the other with every joke and smile.
Such beauty.
A husband and a wife who clearly have seen many heartaches, sitting together on a couch, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, sharing their hearts with me; their love for God, family and their community. Without a verbal mention of each other... you can see through each glance, each giggle, every arm rub... they all tell of a depth of love I have yet to experience.
Now, I say all this because I believe I have seen the true beauty of love, marriage and families, and I have come to the realization that this is something that is worth waiting for.
It isn't something I want to rush into to gain love. Looking at these families and seeing the love and selflessness that goes into them, the love that flows through them, and the love that comes out of them, I see that this is no place for selfishness. It is only an opportunity to recieve love, and not just to hoard it, but pour it out. Therefore, my fufillment cannot come from my marriage or children. My hopes and dreams cannot be fufilled and sustained with the "I do's" and the "It's a boy! It's a girl!" moments. It has to come from the Lord. And from there, it flows into everything else. And it won't matter how imperfect or frail I am... as I recieve love from my Daddy and give it out to people, I will always be fufilled.
Marriage: My opportunity to love
Children: My opportunity to teach love and pour it out.
Love: Something I'm learning
Alliston: Where it all began.
